Recently, I was invited by BBC Radio Leicester to talk about the challenges newly separated parents face at Christmastime.
It is often described as a magical time of year, of course, with the twinkling lights, excited children and family traditions. If you’re a parent who has recently split from your partner, however, it can also be one of the most stressful and emotionally charged periods in the calendar. You’re not only dealing with your own grief at the end of the relationship and the inevitable uncertainty, but you’re also trying to protect your children’s happiness and sense of stability.
It was a privilege to be able to share some advice on this with BBC Radio presenter Laurie Dyche. I visited the Radio Leicester studio on what turned out to be a busy news day, with a big story breaking, but the live interview went ahead and was broadcast to listeners across Leicester, Nottingham and Derby. Thank you to the team at BBC Radio for fitting us in!
This is the link to the programme. The link is live for a short while, if you’re interested in a listen. Here, I break down the key pieces of advice I gave on air to the BBC Radio listeners.
1. Acknowledge the emotional overload
Separation and divorce are emotionally overwhelming at the best of times. At Christmas, the pressure multiplies with the extra social events, financial strain and heightened expectations around “perfect” family moments. The emotional impact of all of this can affect your ability to communicate clearly, remember details and agreements and manage the hubbub of everyday life.
On top of that, each partner may be at a different stage of what I called the “grief cycle”. One of you might be angry or in denial while the other might be more accepting and ready to move on. This mismatch can make even simple Christmas decisions feel loaded and tense. My advice was to:
- recognise that both of you may be reacting from a place of pain or shock
- give yourself permission to find this difficult; it doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent
- where possible, slow conversations down and avoid making big decisions in the heat of emotion
2. Remember: You’re still a family, just reorganised
I made the point that separated parents are “still a family”, just organised differently. That mindset shift can be powerful.
Instead of thinking in terms of “us vs. them,” try to see yourselves as two parts of the same parenting team, working in different locations. The relationship between you as partners may have ended, but the relationship you share as co-parents continues.
This perspective can help you reduce blame and conflict, focus on problem-solving instead of point-scoring, and keep your children’s long-term wellbeing at the centre of decisions.
3. Put the children’s welfare first
I mentioned to listeners that in family law, the welfare of the child is always at the top of the list, as it should be. That’s a useful guiding principle for separated parents at Christmas, too.
Here are a few useful questions to ask yourselves, in this regard:
- What arrangement will make Christmas feel most secure and happy for the children?
- Will our plans confuse them or give them false hope?
- Are we accidentally using Christmas plans as a way to “win” or punish the other parent?
Children of separated parents often have one simple wish: that their parents would get back together. When both parents present a fully united front, spending Christmas together “as normal” despite being separated, it can sometimes raise unrealistic expectations and lead to confusion.
That doesn’t mean you must never spend time together as a family, but it does mean you should think very carefully about what message your arrangements send. Be honest, age-appropriately, about what’s happening and what they can expect.
4. Communicate early – and clearly
Leaving Christmas plans to the last minute almost guarantees stress and arguments.
By early December (or even sooner), try to talk about things such as where the children will wake up on Christmas Day, how time will be shared between households (e.g., Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day) and hand-over times.
Some parents find it helpful to write down what’s been agreed to avoid misunderstandings later. And if conversations are tense, consider communicating initially by email or text message so you both have time to think before replying.
5. Tackle practical issues like presents and money
Christmas isn’t just about where the children spend the day; it’s also about presents and finances, which can be sensitive topics after a separation. Who buys which presents? Should we buy gifts together or separately? How do we avoid doubling up or competing? All questions or, at least, thoughts you might have at this time of year.
To keep things child-focused and fair, my advice is to share a simple list of what the children would like and divide it up. Avoid turning gifts into a competition for your child’s affection.
6. Get help if you’re struggling to talk
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, communicating with your former partner feels impossible. That doesn’t mean you have to do this alone. The BBC Radio interview gave me an opportunity to talk a little about the non-court resolutions that can make parenting so much easier all year round post-separation. I mentioned Resolution, and I spoke about the services we offer at Belderbos Solicitors, including mediation.
Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’re taking your responsibilities seriously and trying to create the best Christmas you can under challenging circumstances.
As always, if you do need some advice on how to manage a separation or divorce, please get in touch here for a free discovery call.
