When parents split up their main concern should always be their children’s wellbeing.
Emotions can run high during separation and divorce, especially where there’s a new partner on the scene.
Whatever the reason for the relationship’s failure, though, it is best if you and your former partner can put feelings of pain, hurt and acrimony aside and agree on a plan that’s in your child or children’s best interests.
Finding a workable solution
Break-ups where children are involved are particularly tough.
Deciding who your sons and daughters live with and how often they will see the other parent needs to be carefully negotiated, and while it may be easy to follow a set pattern, there’s no simple solution.
Some children adapt quite easily to flitting between two homes, whereas others always need their own things around them to feel safe and happy.
There are so many practical issues to work out, such as who will take the kids to Scouts on a Tuesday evening, pick them up from ballet on a Saturday morning and ensure their school uniform is washed and ironed for Monday morning.
Families are all different and children within families all have different needs and wishes. There are too many examples to list, but here are a few examples of what you may wish to consider when considering what is best for the family
- Where the children stay on Sunday night? This may depend on where the child spends most of their time, and sometimes their school is nearer to what was the family home, which may make the decision clearer.
- What about the children’s extra-curricular activities. These may include dance class, swimming lessons, music practice, Cubs, Brownies, football or rugby training? Amongst these activities there are also one-offs such as fixtures and camps.
Most children need routine so it’s important they’re able to carry on with the after school and weekend activities, post break-up. Deciding which parent does what is easier if these clubs etc are held on the same day every week. Flexibility from both parents is often best. - What to do with a season ticket for the football, basketball or rugby? Sharing a love of your favourite sports team with your child is such a bonding experience – and it may take on greater significance and poignancy when you don’t see each other every day.
Home games used to be every other Saturday, so going to the match was relatively predictable.
Nowadays it’s not that simple. Live television rights dictate the fixture list, so there are now more evening games and rearranged kick off times. This can challenge existing your plans – especially on a school night – but it’s something that can be worked around with your ex-partner. Your child may feel hurt and let down if they can’t take them to the game so again flexibility is key.
For many parents, arrangements that give both mum and dad some weekends and some weekdays with the children seem like a good idea in theory. In practice, its success depends very much on the individual child and their wishes and feelings. - Incorporating indirect contact such as telephone and video calls when you can’t be there in person
Video calls can be a useful way of maintaining a relationship when there’s a long gap between seeing each other in person such as in an alternating weekends schedule.
As we all found out during the pandemic, though, the novelty of video calls can wear off, particularly for young children. In our experience, remote contact doesn’t always work well for the under-fives but improves after age 10 when the children can FaceTime and make calls themselves.
To keep the children entertained and engaged, think of activities you could do online with them such as playing computer games or helping with homework.
A week is a long time in the eyes of a five-year-old, so it’s good to have neutral icebreakers to be ready, which can be as simple as asking what they had for lunch. Your children will expect, and need, your full attention so it’s best to set aside some dedicated time. It’s not easy but children will remember and value the time if there are fewer distractions.
Apart from the weekly scenarios you may also wish to incorporate plans for birthdays, feast days, religious festivals, Mother’s and Father’s Day or anything unique to your family.
Whatever the circumstances, your solicitors will provide you with specific advice and refer you to resources that will assist the decision-making process.
Be prepared to compromise
Where break-ups are acrimonious, both parents must always try to keep their feelings of hurt and anger in check around the children. It doesn’t matter who is most ‘at fault.’ The children are never ever to blame.
Take, for example, a parent who has her young teenage son most of the time but insists that the other parent travels to their house – about an hour’s drive away – when it’s their turn to co-parent. The father may feel aggrieved that mum is not prepared to meet him, quite literally, halfway.
Longer term though, this can work well. Parents can get the chance to connect more naturally on the long car journey, chatting casually about school, friendships etc and maybe even sharing their music tastes.
Different types of parenting schedule
The ‘traditional’ view that the children live with mum, and dad sees them every other weekend, has changed. This is in no small part down to the huge rise in working from home after the covid pandemic and greater flexibility around childcare. There are more dads doing the school run than there were five years ago.
All families are different, and all have their own unique needs and wishes – something to bear in mind when looking at the various parenting schedule options.
When considering arrangements around children, the Family Court and professionals such as social workers, refer to The Welfare Checklist, which sets out the following criteria:
- Taking the child’s feelings and wishes into account.
- Considering the child’s physical, emotional, and educational needs.
- Considering the likely effect on the child of any changes in their circumstances.
- Considering the child’s age, sex, background, and any other relevant characteristics.
- Considering any harm that the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering.
- The capability of each of the child’s parents, and any other person in relation to whom the court considers the question to be relevant, to meet the child’s needs.
- The range of powers available to the court under the Children Act 1989 in the proceedings in question.
Firstly, you’ll need to figure out whether you’re going to share time with the children equally, or if one parent will see them more often than the other.
A 50/50 arrangement is often the aim but is not always achievable for a variety of reasons. As explained below, there are other ways of spending more time with the children even if equal shared care isn’t possible.
Equal Shared Care
There are many different options outlined here, but the most common are:
- Alternating weeks
- 2-2-3
- 2-2-5-5
Alternating weeks
As the name suggests, this is where the parents alternate the week they have with the children as follows:
Week 1 – children with mum
Week 2 – children with dad
This has the advantages of being straightforward, minimises travel between the parents’ homes and allows children to regularly spend a big chunk of time with each parent. However, it also means that each parent will have to wait a week before they see the children again.
2-2-3
This might sound a bit confusing initially. At a glance, it looks like whoever goes first gets more time with the children. However, it all becomes clear when viewed over a 14-day period as illustrated below:
Week 1
Mon – Tues = mum
Weds – Thurs = dad
Fri – Sun = mum
Week 2
Mon – Tues = dad
Weds – Thurs = mum
Fri – Sun = dad
This kind of arrangement allows equal time in the week and at weekends over a 14-day period. On the plus side, there are no long gaps between children seeing either parent, but it does mean more frequent moves between the two homes.
2-2-5-5
This arrangement seems even more confusing. However, as with the 2-2-3 option, when looked at over a 14-day period, it all makes sense, as shown below:
Mon – Tues = mum
Weds – Thurs = dad
Fri – Tues = mum
Weds – Sun = dad
This schedule gives each parent a weekend with the children every fortnight but also allows for a longer amount of time than the ‘2-2-3’ option.
Unequal Time
Again, there are numerous options here, but the most common are:
- Alternating weekends
- Alternating weekends with an evening/two evenings in the week
- Alternating weekends with an overnight stay in the week
Alternating weekends
This is where the children live with one parent for most of the time and see the other parent every other weekend. It looks something like this:
Week 1
Mon – Fri = mum
Sat – Sun = dad
Week 2
Mon – Sun = mum
Alternating weekends was once seen as the ‘typical’ arrangement for separating couples, but times have changed. These days the non-resident parent generally has time with the children in the week as well as at weekends.
However, where parents live some distance apart and logistics is a problem, alternating weekends are sometimes the only practical solution.
Alternating weekends with an evening in the week
This is similar to the above, but with the non-resident parent having an evening with the children once a week, for example:
Week 1
Mon – Fri = dad
Weds eve = mum
Sat – Sun = dad
Week 2
Mon – Sun = dad
Weds eve = mum
This option has an advantage over the standard ‘alternating weekends’ arrangement. Rather than one parent not seeing the children for a whole seven days, they will instead be able to see them once a week in the week as well as on ‘their’ weekend.
Having the children on a weekday evening gives the parent a chance to take their children out for tea after school or run them to football practice, for example. It gives the parent greater involvement in the children’s daily lives during the school week.
Of course, this arrangement could extend to two evenings in the week, rather than just one.
Alternating weekends with an overnight stay in the week
This is similar to the above, but the time in the week involves an overnight stay, as follows:
Week 1
Mon – Weds = mum
Weds overnight = dad
Thurs – Fri = mum
Sat – Sun = dad
Week 2
Mon – Sun = mum
Weds overnight = dad
School Holidays
Where spending time with the children equally isn’t doable – normally because the parents’ homes are many miles apart – sharing school holiday time is a useful solution.
Most schools have 13 weeks’ holiday each year. If this is split 50/50, it gives both parents six and a half weeks with the children. Without the distractions of school and work, this arrangement can offer both parent and child better ‘quality time’ together.
Of course, many parents don’t have six-and-a-half weeks of annual leave each year so couldn’t take a 50% share of the school holidays. This can still work, though, where grandparents and other family members want to be involved in the children’s lives. Also, when the parent is working during the day, the children may be able to attend holiday activity clubs, sports clubs etc.
An example of how splitting the school holidays can provide additional time with the children is illustrated below:
- Parent who had alternate weekends, but no time in the holidays = 52 overnights per year.
- Parent who had alternate weekends and time in the holidays = 97 overnights per year.
By dividing up the school holidays, the non-resident parent almost doubles the number of overnights they spend with the children – a choice certainly worth considering.
How scheduling helps
Some families don’t need schedules and are more laid back in their approach. This is usually where break-ups are amicable, and the parents live around the corner from each other so the children can come and go between two homes. While this arrangement might not be great for setting boundaries at times, it can work, especially for older children.
Often though, one parent – usually the one who has the children living with them – is unreceptive to changing arrangements that give the other parent more parenting time.
This can be tricky, but by using schedules and putting them into a simple calendar over a couple of months, you can show the other parent that such changes are workable.
When presented with a clear plan it can be difficult for the parent who has the children at home with them to put obstacles in the way.
As I can’t emphasise too much, while the practicalities need sorting out, it’s the children’s feelings that must always come first.
At Belderbos Solicitors we understand just how difficult it is for parents navigating divorce and separation. We have wide experience in helping them find suitable co-parenting arrangements, so talk to us about what might work best for you and your family.
